A Monster's Paradise (Away From Whipplethorn Book Three) Read online

  “I’ll help you learn everything in the book,” I said.

  Iris looked up and closed the book. Speciesapedia, A Practical Guide to all Species in the Fae was printed on the thick vellum hide. I didn’t know what was so practical about it. The thing was huge and detailed every fairy species in the known world. And Gerald knew them all, but he was in Tess and Judd’s house back in the United States. His parents decided he would never have anything to do with me again, so Iris had to go to Paris without her best friend.

  “We can’t learn it all in time,” said Iris. “We’re almost there.”

  “We don’t need to know every single species. We’ll get the cure and get out. Three months and it’ll all be over.”

  “You heard what everyone said. Paris is dangerous.”

  “We also heard that the royal family has returned to power. They’re taking control. Everything will be fine.” I smiled so that my sweet little sister might believe that I believed it. The royal family was back, but they’d been driven out before, multiple times. And Paris had the most dense fairy population in the world. The most volatile, too.

  Iris shivered as if she felt my doubt, but this wasn’t a showy mission. We were undercover. We weren’t going to be Whipplethorns in Paris. We were going to use Tess and Judd’s last name, Elliot. Nobody would care about us. No one would know the Whipplethorns were ever there.

  CHAPTER TWO

  WE FINALLY GOT off the plane after at least two eternities and fluttered beside Tess and Judd as they followed their parents through the Charles De Gaulle airport. The Home Depot fairies stood in their line on Judd’s shoulder completely underwhelmed with being in a foreign airport, despite the size and multitudes of humans. I had little experience with airports, but even I knew this one was ridiculous. Someone was supposed to meet passengers to direct them where to go, but, of course, no one was there and passengers scattered to the four winds in search of someone who could speak English and would actually do it.

  Evan and Rebecca Elliot, Tess and Judd’s parents, stood bewildered in front of a sign in French. They had heavy bags under their eyes and Rebecca had black mascara smudges to go with them. They’d been through a whirlwind in the last month and they didn’t know it was due to a family of wood fairies living in their fireplace mantel. Only Tess and Judd could see us. When we found out we had to go to Paris, it was arranged through the seers, a group of humans who could see fairies. There were seers all over the world and it was decided, given the revolution, that it would be safer for us to travel with humans as a cover. Evan was offered a temporary job at Esperer International, a French engineering firm owned by a seer. Evan couldn’t possibly refuse such a lucrative offer and plans to go to Paris happened quickly.

  My dad dropped down in front of me. “Maybe we can find some fairies to help us.”

  “I haven’t seen a single one, have you?” asked Mom in her worried voice. Actually, that was pretty much just her regular voice.

  “There should be someone,” said Lrag from Judd’s shoulder. He held Miss Penrose in his arms. She looked quite cozy with her blankets and shawl covering her white blond hair.

  “Yeah. I thought there were supposed to be fairies all over the place here,” said Judd over his shoulder so his parents wouldn’t hear and think he was crazy. Try as I might, I hadn’t been able to make Evan and Rebecca see us. They just didn’t have a reason to do it. Adult humans weren’t open to possibilities like their children.

  Rebecca put her forehead on Evan’s shoulder. “Let’s just walk. We’ll get somewhere eventually.”

  “I don’t think that’s the best plan,” said Evan.

  “If you have a better one, I’m open to it.”

  Evan got out his pocket translator and tapped in “Where is customs?” “Ou est la douane?” appeared on the screen and Evan tried the phrase out on several airline employees. They all smiled and responded…in French. There was no pocket translator for that.

  “Please let’s walk,” said Rebecca.

  We went through the airport for another two eternities, squinting in the glare of the white walls and green glass. There were a million ways to go and a million people going in them. Only Iris smiled. Gerald had asked her to take note of everything she experienced for him just in case his parents ever let them be friends again. Iris was busy counting languages. She was up to twelve when Rebecca said, “Finally. There’s an escalator.”

  “Are you kidding?” asked Evan, holding up Coconut’s carrier and his large wheeled carry-on. “We have so much stuff, we look like sherpas. All we’re missing are the llamas.”

  “You’re right. I’d probably fall down the escalator, if I could even fit. Let’s get on the elevator. It’s right there.”

  I fluttered around with Iris while we waited for the elevator with Mom yelling for us to stay close. There was a lot to see, but Mom didn’t seem interested in anything around us. We shouted we’d be fine and zipped over to the escalator and peered over the edge. A flash of yellow filled my vision and we were blown backwards a foot.

  “What was that?” asked Iris.

  “I just saw yellow, but it was big,” I said.

  Mom flew over, her eyes sharp. “What happened? Are you okay? How’s your leg?”

  I rolled my eyes. “I’m fine, Mom.”

  “What did you see?”

  Iris bit her lip and looked at me.

  “Nothing,” I said. “Just a bunch of humans.”

  Mom pursed her lips, but didn’t ask anymore questions. I don’t know why I lied. I was just so sick of her constant questions and freaking out. I didn’t know what it was and she wouldn’t either. It would be another excuse to panic and watch me like I was two.

  Mom ordered us back to the elevator and when it arrived, Evan’s mouth fell open.

  “That can’t be the right elevator,” he said.

  “Do you see another one?” asked Rebecca. “Get in. I’ll send the kids next.”

  Evan crammed himself, his carry-on, and laptop bag into the tiny elevator. “This is ridiculous,” he said.

  “You want to get on the escalator?”

  “No,” he said as the door closed.

  Rebecca patted Judd’s shoulder. “You and Tess are next. Just go down one floor to Dad and don’t do anything crazy. If you get lost, I’ll kill you.”

  “If we’re lost, how will you kill us?” asked Judd, his green eyes gleeful between thick locks of hair.

  “I’m creative,” said Rebecca as the elevator dinged.

  She herded Tess and Judd inside. They had to squash together, actually touching each other, something they absolutely avoided at all cost. Tess had to hold Coconut’s cat carrier up on her chest. Coconut yowed and hissed at us as we flew in and hovered above their heads. Mom would’ve been wringing her hands if she hadn’t been carrying Horc, who wasn’t concerned at all. Dad had made him a huge supply of applewood biting sticks for the trip and he chomped away, spraying splinters onto the part in Tess’s golden brown hair.

  “Stop that,” said Tess, looking up and scowling at Horc.

  He raised greenish brown eyebrow lumps at her. “Can’t be helped. I bite when biting is required.”

  “That’s gross,” said Tess. “I’ve got your spit in my hair.”

  Rebecca grabbed Judd’s shirt collar. “Did you spit on your sister?”

  “No!” he said.

  “Tess, did Judd spit on you?” asked Rebecca.

  “Well…”

  The elevator dinged.

  Rebecca shook her finger in Judd’s face. “Did he or didn’t he?

  “Not really,” said Tess.

  The door started to close. Rebecca’s hand was still inside.

  “You just said—” Rebecca pulled her hand out in the nick of time.

  Judd slumped against the elevator wall. “You’ve got to watch yourself. Mom’s going to think you’re crazy or I’m disgusting.”

  “Mom already thinks you’re disgusting,” said Tess, wrinkling her no
se.

  “No, she doesn’t. She thinks I’m epic.”

  “Did you put on deodorant this morning?”

  Judd’s cheeks reddened. “Yeah. What’s it to you?”

  “I’m stuck in here with you and you smell like a soccer cleat.”

  Mom darted down in front of them. “Stop that fighting. Horc won’t do it again. Will you, my sweet boy?” Mom kissed Horc on top of his lumpy head. I admired her stomach for it. Horc’s spriggan stink had intensified on the plane, so much that it competed with Judd’s pit stink.

  “Absolutely not,” said Horc with a fresh spray of splinters.

  “Judd still stinks,” said Tess.

  Bentha unsheathed his sword from his spot on her shoulder. “The fault is mine and mine alone. I am the teacher of battle techniques. Judd is using one of the rarer methods. The weapon of stench.”

  The elevator dinged.

  “Yeah. That’s it. I’m using the weapon of stench!” grinned Judd.

  Evan looked at him through the open door with a curled lip. “I don’t care if stench is part of fencing. You’ve got to stop. Nobody wants to smell that.”

  Tess squeezed out. “It’s not part of fencing, Dad. He’s just disgusting.”

  “You’ll get no argument here. Wear deodorant, boy, for all our sakes.”

  “I do!” protested Judd.

  Evan pressed the elevator button and sent it up to Rebecca. “The evidence doesn’t back you up, smelly.”

  When Rebecca stepped out of the elevator, she looked at Evan. “Did you know your son has been spitting on Tess?”

  “I thought he was stinking on her,” said Evan.

  “Yeah, Mom. That’s what I said, stinking, not spitting. Judd stinks on me.”

  Evan pushed them out of the elevator area and into a herd of Japanese businessmen.

  “How do you stink on someone?” asked Rebecca.

  “Stand close to him and you’ll find out,” said Evan.

  Judd gave Rebecca a leery glance. He was always careful not to be too close to her, especially in public.

  She sighed and said, “Does anyone see a sign in English?”

  “I bet that’s customs,” said Tess, pointing to a sign with a passport on it.

  “Thank goodness,”said Evan. “Now everyone stick together. This could take a while.”

  But it didn’t. We got through customs in fifteen minutes, which was a good thing because Mom was getting lower and lower in the air, struggling to support Horc’s rotund form. She finally broke down and handed him to Lucrece on Judd’s shoulder.

  Lrag stood next to Lucrece, still holding Miss Penrose. “It won’t be long now. We’re almost there,” he said to her sleeping face.

  Evan led us in the queue to who-knows-where, but we had no other choices. Finally after weaving through a rope maze, we ended up in baggage where suitcases were spinning around on carousels. Evan gathered the luggage and Rebecca ran around until she found the dogs, Ellie and Nora, in their crates, furiously wagging their curly tails. She released them and they drew pointing fingers from the crowd. I guess they hadn’t seen Shar-peis before. The dogs shook and their wrinkles slid around on their bodies. When they settled, Iris landed on Nora’s thick snout. Her shoulders relaxed and for the first time since we got on the airplane she didn’t look like she was about to cry. I hovered beside Tess until Evan found a sign that everyone, whatever language they spoke, could understand. Taxi.

  “I thought the company was sending a car for us,” said Rebecca.

  “They are. The driver’s supposed to be here,” said Evan. “Look for a sign with our name on it.”

  We all looked. There were drivers with names from all corners of the world, including names in Chinese and what could’ve been Russian, but no Elliot sign.

  “We can take a taxi. I have the address,” said Rebecca.

  “It’ll cost two arms and a leg. The driver has to be here.”

  I rubbed my eyes and yawned. My leg was aching something awful. I needed to get to the apartment to brew some white willow tea for the pain. Not for the first time, I regretted my decision not to take some of the antidote that came from the horen fairy who’d attacked me in the antique mall. The horen’s severed arm could’ve been used for a weapon of mass destruction, but I put a stop to that when I used galen fairy’s powder to change it to medicine. My choice was the right one, but it hadn’t helped me any. Soren Maple, the leader of the mall and one of the kindest fairies I’d ever known, would never speak to me again for going against him. I didn’t even want to think about Daiki. He was a katana, a species of warriors. He’d understood me better than anyone ever had and now because of my decision he’d never have anything else to do with me. He’d think I deserved my pain. Since I’d drained my traveling jug long ago, the ache was increasing. I was about to give in and land on Judd’s shoulder when Iris darted over.

  “Do you hear that?” she asked.

  “Duh. No, I didn’t.”

  “You can hear this. It’s humans.”

  I cocked my head. I got a dull hum maybe. Nothing distinct.

  “It can’t be,” said Iris. “It just can’t.”

  “What?”

  She pointed past Judd. Far down the corridor two men with blue overalls and greasy hair battled over a white sign.

  Iris was right. It couldn’t be. Fate wouldn’t do this to us.

  CHAPTER THREE

  THE MEN SLIPPED around on the white tile floor, smacking each other and threatening to bite. Elegant travelers gave them a wide berth with various looks of distaste on their faces. The larger one fell in a sprawl of gangly limbs and I saw his face. Fate would do this to us. We must’ve been very bad at some point.

  “It is them,” said Iris.

  “Who?” asked Tess, raising her pale eyebrows and looking a lot like her mother.

  “Earl and Stanley,” I said.

  “The weirdos from the antique mall?” asked Judd. “They can’t be here in Paris.”

  “Look at the sign.”

  The sign confirmed it without a doubt. It said Tes + Jud.

  “Dad,” said Judd. “I think I found our ride.”

  Evan spun around. “Where?”

  “There.”

  Judd pointed to Earl and Stanley who were now both on the floor and surrounded by airport security.

  “I don’t think so,” said Rebecca.

  “Our names are on the sign,” said Tess.

  Evan and Rebecca looked at each other, but made no moves toward Earl and Stanley.

  Dad flew up to me. “If you’re sure, go down there and stop them before they get arrested and we lose our ride. They’ll recognize you.”

  I zipped down the corridor with Iris on my heels as always. You never know when you’ll need a working set of ears and Iris’s job practically since birth was to hear for me. A fact that was both irritating and useful.

  One of the security guys grabbed Earl by the arm and dragged him to his feet. “Arrêtez, s'il vous plaît.”

  Earl continued to hang onto the sign, but he’d never get it. Stanley had it firmly clamped between his teeth and wasn’t letting go.

  “Earl!” I yelled.

  “Stanley!” yelled Iris.

  We darted up to their faces and I almost made fire to get their attention, but remembered I wasn’t supposed to at the last second.

  Earl and Stanley ignored us, but did calm down, standing with firm grips on the sign.

  “We ain’t done nothing,” said Stanley, taking the sign out of his mouth.

  “We’re Americans,” said Earl.

  “We can see that,” said one of the men with a slight sneer.

  Earl puffed up. “What do you mean by that nonsense?”

  “Yeah!” yelled Stanley. “What’d he say?”

  “He said we’re Americans.”

  “Why, you crazy Frenchie. I’ll teach you a thing or two,” said Stanley.

  I rammed both my fists into Stanley’s nose. “Stop it! Stop it!”<
br />
  Stanley blinked. “There you are. Where you been, Matilda?”

  “Looking for you apparently. Now apologize to the officers and maybe they won’t arrest you.”

  “Arrest me for what? They insulted me.”

  Iris fluttered forward. “No, they didn’t. You are an American.”

  Stanley glared at the officers who were now regarding them with narrowed eyes like crazy was contagious. “There was some kinda insult in there somewhere. I know it.”

  “No. No. There was no insult. Say you’re sorry,” I begged.

  “Please,” said Iris.

  “Forget it,” said Stanley.

  “Do it, idiot,” said Earl. “You just been talking to the air. They’re gonna lock you up for being nuts.”

  “I ain’t talking to the air,” said Stanley.

  “Aren’t you?” Earl ran his fingers through his mullet and assumed a knowing stance. If it weren’t for everything else about him, he might’ve looked like a normal person.

  Stanley blinked a couple of times and then I saw it dawn on him that the officers couldn’t see us. He was in fact talking to the air as far as they were concerned.

  “Sorry, officers,” he said with a gap-toothed grin. “I thought I saw my friend Matilda, but she ain’t there.”

  Earl edged away. “We’ll just be going now.”

  “I don’t think so,” said the officer. “We need to take you to security for identification.”

  A small hand covered in jewel-encrusted rings darted between Stanley and the officer. It held a wad of euros, thick as a napkin ring. “That won’t be necessary, gentlemen.”

  “Marie!” gasped Iris.

  Marie winked at us and stomped in front of the officers. “These gentleman are part of my retinue.” She held out her hand. “Marie Galloway Laurence Morris Huntley Huntley Smith.”